and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
