i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
