My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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