insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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