I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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