I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
