I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i dont even know how to be here
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
