I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
