All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Randomize
