They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
