In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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