It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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