1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.