so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
