11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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