Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
