Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
