I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
