Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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