I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
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he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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