Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
