I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
