I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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