I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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