I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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