PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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