Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
