why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
