She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
