I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
