I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
