He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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