they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
