Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
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Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
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I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.