I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
