I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
