I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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