I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
