Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
