What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
