is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
