my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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