I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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