I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
