a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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