I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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