I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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