Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
