hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
