I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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