omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
