I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
