im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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