her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
