Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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