the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
