No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
