the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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